Okay so admitting my fears, the ones deep in my heart, isn’t always easy for me. The women in my family are strong and tend to withstand the storms of life quite well and manage to shed or heal from the emotional and mental debris pretty quickly with minimal scars to show for the most part.
Last year is over, quite possibly it will rank up there as one of the top 5 worst by the time I breathe my last, which won’t be for a long time to come I do so hope. This road I’ve traveled called LIFE has been known to take me over some very rough terrain and 2010 was no exception.
When I marry it is for life. I take very seriously the vows, the covenant of marriage, made before God, family and friends. I will stay in a bad situation because of the level of commitment I make. Both marriages ended because the husband side bailed on those carefully chosen words and promises. The first marriage only lasted a few years, the second almost 22! My heart was very nearly destroyed this time, and I swear it hurt to even breathe for quite some time.
I built a very protective wall around what was left and vowed never to allow myself to be so vulnerable again, to FEEL again the kind of love that would give of myself forever. With the aid of Lexapro I was able to flat line enough not to really FEEL anything at any depth and that was a good thing (better living through chemistry!). And then I met Mr. Wonderful. I knew him from years ago but now I really KNOW him. For four months we’ve been getting to know each other and some how my heart began to feel in spite of me. And I feared it must be pretty strong to make it beyond the comfortably numb existence of the medication.
Recently I reduced the medication taking only half the prescribed dose. Don’t worry I asked the Doc to dial it back some, knowing it was perhaps a bit too high when the news of my mother’s cancer returning did not bring tears. Oh I FELT the fear but could not express it, I could not cry though I felt the cry there. It has been a week and feeling is back.
In church Sunday for the first time in so very long the tears came and flowed, sweet release at last of the feelings inside. This is, as Martha Stewart would say, a very good thing.
Trouble is with the feelings able to truly be felt and not just be something I am aware of, comes fear. I am able to fear things again, not irrationally or to extremes, but the FEELING that fear brings at times. And other feelings that make me scared.
I’m terrified of hurting again with the feelings I have for Mr. Wonderful. I feel things I have never felt for anyone else before (watch for part 2 of the Sexual Purity posts for more details), and I while I really want this to last I am not certain we are not both so jaded from broken hearts that it will never work. My heart, soul, mind and body are connected to him, to lose that will leave an incredible hole in me. I’m so confused and afraid right now, so unsure of the unknown and where he is in all of this.
I’m fearful about my mom’s cancer. She beat breast cancer 11 years ago. 2 years ago her appendix was invaded by a type of colon cancer and we had so hoped she beat that but it is back again. This is the 4th time I’ve had to face and accept her mortality (she also had a heart attack a few years ago), and it isn’t at all easy to consider her not being around for a long time to come.
I know I need to trust in the Lord to get me through whatever is to come, but sometimes that is SO hard. Fear is the enemy….
Psalm 18:1-3 (New King James Version)
1 I will love You, O LORD, my strength.
2 The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer;
My God, my strength, in whom I will trust;
My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
3 I will call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised;
So shall I be saved from my enemies.
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