My heart is still in such a fragile state that extreme care is needed when handling it. It beats steady again, but it still is so very raw and tender that it must be dealt with ever so carefully and gently.
Last year was the year of mourning and healing as my heart had to be brought back to life and kept on life support in ICU. By the end of the year it could feel again, with intensity, and I had opened it up to love someone that is and always will be very special to me. My heart learned that it is still capable of loving someone completely, and also that it is very much at risk of being hurt entirely too easily.
Just the other day I posted about sexual purity and the lines Mr. Wonderful and I had crossed, lines clearly drawn by God and very brazenly stepped over by us. In that coming together I learned what it can really be like when all parts of me connect with all parts of someone else. In a word, priceless. Very precious are the memories of those times and they will always be with me, as he will always be in a special place within my heart.
Last night I came to realize that loving someone, no matter h0w much, doesn’t mean you can measure up to their standards. The bar he sets for those he allows close to his heart is a high one, and far above where I am able to reach. I don’t really fault him for that, everyone has a right to their expectations of others they wish to be involved with. We’re in two very different places in that regard. In a relationship with no real direction, and no binding commitment I set no expectations, limitations or standards on the other party. I cannot be disappointed that way. He on the other hand has expectations and limitations that I simply cannot live up too.
I am a very strong personality, and require an equal or stronger personality in a potential mate or I’d walk all over them. It would not be purposeful, I am just somewhat of the bull in a china shop as I go through life. I spent 23 years bending over backward in one failed attempt after the next to live up to someone’s standards and expectations until I had changed, hidden, and compromised so much of myself that when I looked in the mirror I no longer knew the woman looking back at me. My ex-husband was a control freak, and I mean that with the best of intentions. He required his world to be just so, a place for everything and everything in its place, including me. Order, his order, was the way things had to be or he was simply not happy. And sooner or later it went by his order anyway. I never measured up and never would. I was always the one to take responsibility, to apologize first, to take the blame to keep the peace. Last year when that relationship ended I promised myself to never let that happen again, never change or compromise who I am, and never apologize for being me. And yet I was doing it all over again with Mr. Wonderful, attempting and miserably failing, to meet his expectations.
I do not want to give the wrong impression, he is very much wonderful, and there is nothing wrong with the standards and expectations he has, for someone else. I am not the person that can meet them, I am a perfectly imperfect woman that just doesn’t make the grade in this particular relationship. I don’t fault him for that and I certainly don’t fault myself. To continue to attempt to reach that level of perfection would mean letting go of who I am all over again and I’ve just uncovering me! I’m not going to change who I am for anyone nor would I want them to change for me. I fell in love with who he is, not who I’d want him to be. I accepted and loved every imperfect piece of who I was getting to know, and was fully prepared to be committed to that man. But not at the cost of me, not if I have to change who I am and how I am in order to make someone else happy.
He tossed in the towel last night, and I realized as I watched it float onto the floor of the ring that even though this makes me sad, and it is painful, it would be more painful to change me to meet his expectations. He will remain in my heart, and that is okay. But I won’t stop living.
I went to bed last night, cried a bit, then prayed, a LOT. I handed it all over to God to work on. This morning I woke up at peace with it all. I think He does His best work in me when I’m asleep and cannot keep interfering trying to do it myself. 🙂 I took out the box again, filled it up with soft packing material, and placed my heart carefully inside of it, then filled it up to the brim with more of the material to surround and protect it. I placed the lid on and then wrapped the ribbon around and tied it in a pretty bow. My heart will stay in there and continue to grow and heal where it cannot be harmed for now.
After thinking on it all and praying about it, I’m going to take a year off away from “dating” relationships. I took a full year to mourn and heal, now I feel a year to nurture me is in order. I am going to spend this year getting to know Marti. I need to sit quietly at the feet of my Heavenly Father’s throne and be fed, taught and become who HE wants me to be. I will keep my heart wrapped up in that pretty box and let it grow under God’s care. When and if the time comes for someone to untie that bow and remove it from that container, it will have to be someone that can love it like their own, cherish it, and not try to change it. They will have to accept that it is a gift to be treasured as it is, no refunds or exhanges, no picking only the parts they like, it is all or nothing. The worst comes with the best as a package deal or it stays right here, in the box.