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Lessons In Brokenness

angels-falling-broken-feathersToday was the first Sunday of December, which means at church it was the day to celebrate the Lord’s supper, communion.

I had gone over the things from Pastor’s email, and spent time praying during the service, and there were things I needed to confess.

In my heart I carry a root of bitterness toward my soon to be former sister-in-law.  I won’t go into details other than to say that I see her as a very evil, manipulative person.  But the Lord put it on my heart while praying about things I needed to confess, that I need to forgive her for  the perceived wrongs toward me, and pray for her daily.

During that time of prayer, thinking on the fact that Christ died for my sins…and then it hit me.  He died on that cross over 2000 years ago for my sins…sins that had yet to be committed!  Mine and everyone elses, yes, but MINE.  Sins of a woman that had never even been born!  Sins that would not be committed until nearly 2000 years later!  He died to cover the sins of all of His sheep, and those sins, so many were yet to be committed because those sinners were not even to be born for a long time to come.  How unimaginably incredible that weight must have been!  I cannot begin to wrap my head around this!

How could I not want to fall on my face and serve the Lord, the One who paid for my sins thousands of years before I’d ever walk this earth?  Sins I had not yet lived to commit?  The love the Lord Jesus has for His people is not something to be comprehended, that He was willing to die such a horrible death, suffering like we cannot begin to imagine under the weight of sins He knew would occur but were yet to happen?  It is beyond my ability to begin to understand.  Any parent understands they would take a bullet for a child…but can we imagine dying for a child or person who was thousands of years in the future???  No, we cannot.

While  in Sunday School, a passage came up that really made me think, especially during communion:

Isaiah 55

New King James Version (NKJV)

An Invitation to Abundant Life

55 “Ho! Everyone who thirsts,
Come to the waters;
And you who have no money,
Come, buy and eat.
Yes, come, buy wine and milk
Without money and without price.
Why do you spend money for what is not bread,
And your wages for what does not satisfy?
Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good,
And let your soul delight itself in abundance.
Incline your ear, and come to Me.
Hear, and your soul shall live;
And I will make an everlasting covenant with you—

It really made me stop and think…What IS my focus on?  What is it I “buy” with my time and efforts?  It isn’t that it is wrong to work hard to achieve my goals, but which areas of my life are taking the priority?  My study in the Word of God? My walk with Christ?  Or is it still all about me, and things of this world that won’t last?  I need to prioritize my life, really focus on the things that last, delight in the Lord’s abundance first, then the rest of my life will take shape according to His plan for me.  I can pursue my dreams, but pray for what His will, for where I should go and trust that those paths will open up if they are His plan for my life and how I can best serve Him.

I’m thankful that I’m broken, or I’d never have returned to my Father in Heaven, the prodigal daughter, the broken angel in need of Him.

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Fear Is The Enemy

Okay so admitting my fears, the ones deep in my heart, isn’t always easy for me.  The women in my family are strong and tend to withstand the storms of life quite well and manage to shed or heal from the emotional and mental debris pretty quickly with minimal scars to show for the most part.

Last year is over, quite possibly it will rank up there as one of the top 5 worst by the time I breathe my last, which won’t be for a long time to come I do so hope.  This road I’ve traveled called LIFE has been known to take me over some very rough terrain and 2010 was no exception.

When I marry it is for life.  I take very seriously the vows, the covenant of marriage, made before God, family and friends.  I will stay in a bad situation because of the level of commitment I make.  Both marriages ended because the husband side bailed on those carefully chosen words and promises.  The first marriage only lasted a few years, the second almost 22!  My heart was very nearly destroyed this time, and I swear it hurt to even breathe for quite some time.

I built a very protective wall around what was left and vowed never to allow myself to be so vulnerable again, to FEEL again the kind of love that would give of myself forever.  With the aid of Lexapro I was able to flat line enough not to really FEEL anything at any depth and that was a good thing (better living through chemistry!).  And then I met Mr. Wonderful.  I knew him from years ago but now I really KNOW him.  For four months we’ve been getting to know each other and some how my heart began to feel in spite of me.  And I feared it must be pretty strong to make it beyond the comfortably numb existence of the medication. 

Recently I reduced the medication taking only half the prescribed dose.  Don’t worry I asked the Doc to dial it back some, knowing it was perhaps a bit too high when the news of my mother’s cancer returning did not bring tears.  Oh I FELT the fear but could not express it, I could not cry though I felt the cry there.  It has been a week and feeling is back.

In church Sunday for the first time in so very long the tears came and flowed, sweet release at last of the feelings inside.  This is, as Martha Stewart would say, a very good thing.

Trouble is with the feelings able to truly be felt and not just be something I am aware of, comes fear.  I am able to fear things again, not irrationally or to extremes, but the FEELING that fear brings at times.  And other feelings that make me scared.

I’m terrified of hurting again with the feelings I have for Mr. Wonderful.  I feel things I have never felt for anyone else before (watch for part 2 of the Sexual Purity posts for more details), and I while I really want this to last I am not certain we are not both so jaded from broken hearts that it will never work.  My heart, soul, mind and body are connected to him, to lose that will leave an incredible hole in me.   I’m so confused and afraid right now, so unsure of the unknown and where he is in all of this.

I’m fearful about my mom’s cancer.  She beat breast cancer 11 years ago.  2 years ago her appendix was invaded by a type of colon cancer and we had so hoped she beat that but it is back again.  This is the 4th time I’ve had to face and accept her mortality (she also had a heart attack a few years ago), and it isn’t at all easy to consider her not being around for a long time to come.

I know I need to trust in the Lord to get me through whatever is to come, but sometimes that is SO hard.  Fear is the enemy….

Psalm 18:1-3 (New King James Version)

 1 I will love You, O LORD, my strength.
 2 The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer;
         My God, my strength, in whom I will trust;
         My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
 3 I will call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised;
         So shall I be saved from my enemies.

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