This is the second part of this subject matter, if you missed Part 1 you may wish to read that first, click here.
I was not at all prepared for the intense connection that I have with Mr. Wonderful. When we met up and reconnected I had made it crystal clear that I was NOT seeking a relationship, just a friend with benefits. He saw through my shield and into my heart but was willing to go along with things as I stated. Things between us moved at incredible speed and next thing I knew we crossed into a physical relationship. What took place between us was truly making love like I’ve never known. He agrees, nothing ever was so intense for him before either. We both realize more than our fleshly desires were there, our minds and souls connected, and our hearts. We got a very serious education that day in the two becoming one flesh. It isn’t just the physical act, something happened that forged all of our beings into one. I wanted to believe it was just that first time rush, but I’ve had my share of ‘first times’ and nothing in my experience or his compares. Despite our carefully built walls when in those moments of physical expression we both realize we are seeing clear the core of each other in the eyes and there are no blocks, no locked doors on our hearts and souls, and frankly it is incredibly beautiful and special, and unnerving.
Bigger than that…it is wrong. It is sinfully wrong and I don’t mean that in a good way. God is crystal clear about sex outside of marriage and we chose to ignore that and go our own way in this one area.
We have both realized that when two TRULY become one, being apart is hell. I don’t just miss him, his voice, his touch, my heart craves his, my mind desires his, my soul feels as if it is torn and not whole when his is apart from my own. Two becoming one, truly one, is meant for the married because you crave the other person on every level, not just physical. In fact we’ve come to realize the physical is an expression of what is going on at the heart, mind and soul level. We HUNGER for each other, and at least for me I can say it is a tormenting thing. I now understand 1 Corinthians 7:9 so much better:
1 Corinthians 7:9 (New King James Version)
9 but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
The burning passion is painful on each level.
I’ve become aware now of something else. Now understand this is my take, my perspective on this. We come into this world without God, in a state of sin and until we find His perfect forgiveness and grace we hunger for Him. As we grow that hunger grows with us, but we try to fill that void with all manner of things, collecting things, over consumption of food, alcohol, drugs or even sex. We are never completely satisfied until we turn to the Lord, nothing we do can fill the hunger with in us. Love and marriage, per the Bible, is a reflection of the love Christ has for His church, His people. It is the earthly example of true love, putting the best interest of others ahead of ourselves regardless of cost to ourselves.* In a marriage relationship that honors God, things work like they should. Don’t get me wrong, it won’t be perfect. I saw a tweet from Pastor and singer Steve Camp (@sjcamp) the other day that said “marriage is two forgivers learning to live together”. OH how true that is!
I have also come to realize that before we ever experience sexual relations with anyone we begin to hunger for our mates, prior to even knowing them. Something within us desires to mate, to share that special one fleshness, our souls begin to seek. We search for something to fill that hunger, and sadly often attempt to fill it with sexual promiscuity. We go from encounter to encounter trying to fill an unsatiable desire within us that can only be filled by that one person meant to be our partner for life. Perhaps there is more than one out there, but I think so many are so unhappy because they jumped into a marriage with someone they did NOT connect with on the heart, mind and soul levels before taking their vows and then connecting physically. Love at first sight may indeed be real, but more of a intense draw at first sight. One soul recognizing the other as it’s mate, or other half. Mr. Wonderful experienced that with just seeing my photo on my Myspace, the intense desire to know me and not on a physical level. When I met him I too felt that, but I was married and did the right thing by ignoring it and keeping him at arm’s length to avoid the temptation. Had I entertained a physical encounter then, when deep in a sinful lifestyle that would have allowed for it, it would have destroyed my marriage and I knew it. At the time I did not understand why I knew this, I just did. Something in both of us screamed “MINE” and it was horribly upsetting and painful.
Sadly, while we’ve desired to do this relationship the right way, this is an area we crossed lines in and have sinned. Now in a desire to back up the truck a bit and do it ALL right in God’s eyes, we have to deal with the intense craving that burns deeper than the physical desire for each other. The hunger that distresses our minds, hearts and souls when apart. While the physical need is a difficult struggle, we actually do find without the sexual part, when we are together, the other levels are satisified for the time we are in each others presence and the physical takes a back burner. This spoke volumes to me about what we had done in crossing the lines and allowing the one flesh before it was the right time. The hardest part of this being that as jaded as we both are we don’t even know where this will head. We both carry so many scars from past relationships, so many cracks in our hearts from gluing them back together that we just don’t know if we can proceed toward a life time commitment. I only know that now that I realize the level on which we connected, I cannot be satisified with anyone else.
Meanwhile…the area of sexual purity is one I have struggled with all my life because I long ago crossed the line, continuing again and again to sin in this area. It is the one area I am most weak and the one I am now most determined to keep right and honor God in until such a time as it can be RIGHT. If I can continue to see my sin as God sees it, as filthy rags, then I cannot say I love Him and deliberately, knowingly go against Him in this area. If and when marriage again is a part of my life, then the hunger will be satisfied as it should be. And until then I must honor God and satisfy the hunger with Him and His Word.
*condensed version of a definition of love an elder at church came up with – will share full version as a blog later this month.