That is how it was put to me this morning, that the honeymoon of my renewal of my faith is over. Yes it is true, that euphoria associated with coming back ‘home’ is now over and the battle that is all around us in a realm we do not see, is on.
Ephesians 6:12-17 (New King James Version)
12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age,[a] against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
14 Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; 16 above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. 17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God;
Last night I had dinner with my daughter, son and his girlfriend and her daughter. It was a good time though I feel strange around my kids, like an outsider. This was driven home when they were talking about New Year’s Eve, when they were at a party with their dad, my ex. It was very hard, it hurt that my kids were off having fun and dad was included but not me.
I struggle with feelings of envy that I am no longer a part of my daughter’s day-to-day life as I was when we lived under one roof. I miss my son who is going to be moving back home with dad and my daughter soon. They will be a family unit and I’m no longer a part of that unit, a part of the family. My family, in what was my home, that I was forced to leave behind when someone else determined for me that my marriage and place there was over, I was no longer needed or wanted. I struggle hard against a seed of bitterness that desperately is trying to root itself in my heart. I struggled with the knowledge that I’ve been equated with common household appliance this past week by the very man I stood beside and loved, supported and never walked away from in some of his worst and darkest hours. And yet despite giving all of myself I’m just an old dishwasher that has been tossed out.
This morning I was so thankful for my dear friends Jane and Ellen, and their taking it all back to scripture and encouraging me. Jane has been the mentor and encourager since days before I returned, checking in on me and keeping me accountable. Yesterday Stan was a gentle, loving, yet firm encourager to keep focused and turn away from the negative things that are causing the seeds of bitterness to fall around me. I’ve been so blessed to have the Divas around me loving and supportive throughout it all.
I am blessed that I am not a new or baby believer. I have a firm foundation of knowledge and faith under me, that while I let it become over grown with worldly weeds and let it be buried beneath sinful debris, it is there. Clearing away everything I have the armor and tools of my faith still there at my disposal. I have strong believers as friends willing to pray for me every day as I struggle to remain firmly planted.
This much I know, I am still the daughter of the King of all, I am loved by the One with my name written on His hands, and He has surrounded me with brothers and sisters in Him that love me and keep me in prayer and encouragement. I have all the strength I need in the Lord, and need to rest there in Him.