Tag Archive | Kay Arthur

God’s Amazing Timing

For weeks I’ve felt a tug at this prodigal heart to return to church.  And not just any church but the church family I knew and loved in the past. The one that has prayed for me and my ex husband since we walked away years ago. The same loving faith family that welcomed me back almost 2 years ago, before I ran away again.  That same family that once again welcomes me with open arms and tears, and prayers.  Oh how they have been praying and waiting for God to bring me back on track.  Thankfully they never seem to give up.

I had started a Kay Arthur study a few weeks back, Lord, Only You Can Change Me, and also started reading again the book Dan gave me last time, The Way Back To God, Psalm 51 by Clarence Sexton.  Awesome stuff, both of them.  I actually considered working through 3 of Kay’s studies, the other two are Lord, Heal My Hurts and Lord, Give Me A Heart For You but I’m one  woman with a limited amount of hours in a day.  24, just like you.  So I figured it best to stick to those and get in them in depth and take my time chewing on each lesson.  I’m so glad I did, it’s been life changing stuff all over again. These helped me to open my heart again to focus on my faith.

Wednesday evening I went to the midweek service, which was the home groups that meet once a month.  They are starting a new book, Walking Like Jesus Did; Studies In The Character Of Christ.  I also attended the  women’s bible study Friday, and they are just kicking off, this time in Unit 3 of a great study called Gospel Transformation.  

Interesting to me how many new things are starting just as I return.  And all are things I NEED more than I ever realized.  God’s timing is so perfect.

During the past few weeks I’ve really struggled with ME.  My “it’s all about ME” attitude, the idea that my world revolves around me and “if you don’t like it take a hike” line of thinking.  PRIDE much? Yes, I know.  And then my prayer of late, “Lord I believe, help my unbelief”.  I heard that many times over in bible  study Friday, and it is nice to know that while I was away from being fed, my sisters in Christ all struggle daily with many of the same things I do.  When the ladies were doing a quick  review of the last unit and what had touched them in it and unit 1, something stuck out to me regarding the whole “ME” complex I have had.  Idolatry.

The book says, “An idol is anything we believe we need, apart from Jesus, to make us happy, satisfied, or fulfilled.  An idol arises when we desire something more than we desire Jesus; when we fear things rather than God; when we worship ourselves rather than Christ; when we put our trust in anything other than God; when we serve anything other than Jesus.”  The book provides some areas of fear, trust and desire that may be idols to us.  All I can say is wow.  SO many areas that I could check off either in a direct or indirect way.  It is suffice to say that ME has to get bumped aside.  I  know this, knew it weeks ago, and I have to do away with my self centered thinking.  But first comes the root of this ME idol.  That root would be pain.  The pain I still carry around and even cling too, of my divorce.  I am not so sure that I wanted to hurt, as that it is just familiar, like my teddy bear, so I can hold it.  Do I still feel I was wronged? Certainly. But what does it matter? It is done, over and I needed to let it go.  Forgiveness didn’t come easy, but in the past few weeks I truly was able to just let it go and accept the healing that comes from God and not anything of myself.

Before I made the journey back last week, I knew it was not about me anymore. It was about Christ and my walk with Him.  This time when I went it didn’t just feel like ‘home’, this time it felt like I had never left.  I realized at one point that I had to remind myself I had been away a long time, because it felt as if I had never left there and had just been there last week.  And while  kids have grown up and there are been changes to people, so much still felt the same, as if there had been no absence for me.  That was when I realized that I am right where I belong.  And as I sat there, taking it all in, wearing my Harley Davidson long sleeved, v-neck shirt and jeans, with my wild, bleached blond hair, I knew that I can still be me, who I am.  I don’t need to lose the person God created, that Marti is who she is because she was fearfully and wonderfully made.  God doesn’t want me to not be an individual, He wants me to be HIS individual.

Me, Heaven, & Righteousness

I recently began a fantastic bible study written by Kay Arthur, Lord, Only You Can Change Me.

I picked this study because it is one of Kay’s studies, and ALL over her books, studies, etc. are outstanding.  Another reason is because I’ve been trying to get myself back to the right path in my life.  One that is Christ honoring and not so self centered.

One of the first things this study does is to take the reader through the Sermon On The Mount, reading all of Matthew chapters 5-7.  Then going back and marking each reference to ‘heaven’ and ‘righteousness’ throughout those passages.  Next, going through and listing the verse reference and what it says about heaven, then the same for righteousness.  If you are having any doubts  about your own position in on your journey toward the pearly gates, this is a good place to start.  It is an eye opener.

Here are some of the things I learned about heaven:

It belongs to the  poor inspirit.

It belongs to those persecuted for righteousness.

Our Father is there.

Until it passes away none of the law will pass away.

Unless our righteousness surpasses that of the scribes and Pharisees we won’t enter the kingdom of Heaven.

Our Father there is perfect and we are to be perfect.

God’s will is done there.

Not all who call out “Lord, Lord” will enter there.

Only those who do God’s will can enter.

Our forgiveness from our Father hinges upon our forgiveness of others.

There were many other things, if you mark the word ‘heaven’ then go back and list everything these chapters say about it, but that gives you an idea.

The list for righteousness was a real eye opener as well.  One of the biggest being we must SEEK it.  That was my “one word” last year.  I fell rather short on SEEKING most anything I needed when it came to my journey.  Praise the Lord for His forgiveness.

While going through these passages for this study I did note that I have the following passage highlighted in every bible I own, and I had underlined verse 44 in addition to the highlights.

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor[a] and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you,[b] 45 that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47 And if you greet your brethren[c] only, what do you do more than others?Do not even the tax collectors[d] do so? 48 Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect.

For the record, the red highlight above (my doing) is the verse I underlined.  This one is a place I fall very short.

I wonder about where my heart might be today had I stayed more grounded in the Word of God and not allowed myself to move away from what I knew deep down was right.  Would I still be married? Or how much faster would I have healed (still in that process) if I had clung to God’s Word when going through the divorce and afterward?  I can honestly say I did NOT love my ex-husband through that time, certainly did not bless him or do good by him.  For the first time in our history I said unkind things.  Throughout our marriage, when outside of our home, I never spoke ill of the man.  But once he sought a divorce and I had moved out, I let it fly with both  barrels in my other blog and to anyone that listened.  I turned my hurt into hate.  And because I could not begin to pray good things for him, I simply didn’t pray at all.  No, not blaming him for my failure to live a Christ like life, that is all on me.  I’m not responsible for his actions, only my own.

Another section that really bothers me when I read it, is Matthew 5:31-32.

31 “Furthermore it has been said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality[a] causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery.

I don’t know where to go with this one.  I struggled with it when my first marriage ended, and even more so now.  Not having been the one that ended the marriage, where does it leave me?  Per the passage it causes me to commit adultery because he divorced me.  Does this mean that blame, that sin, is on his head and not mine?  And what of a future marriage…if I marry again it causes someone to commit adultery.  It is a messy business, this whole matter of divorce.  I understand now why the bible says that God hates divorce.  It causes ripples of pain, confusion and further sins in the lives not only of the one wanting out, but for the one left behind too. (For more about this topic see Matthew 19:3-9)

I’m a long way from that place, but I have a long way to go.  I’m past the meanness in my heart and soul, the hate, but the pain is still there, my heart very raw.  But I will be applying scripture to my life in this and every other area, and praying for ME to be the one changed.

Blowing The Dust Off This Place

I have been negligent with this blog page, and for that I apologize.  I have neglected a lot of things really.

I stopped going to church after being judged a bit too much by people there.  I lost sight of the fact that they too are sinners and imperfect.  I got my feelings hurt and got all defensive and then just walked away.  I still pray, still try to be in the Word, but not in a church.  See, this was just so wrong on  my part. So, Sunday, being 1/1/2012…I am going back.  I’m not going to let it bother me when someone questions or judges me and my walk. The only one that matters is my Savior.  He knows my  heart, soul and mind, and I’m a detailed work in progress.  He and He alone knows the truth inside me.  Others will have to be patient as He works in me to make the changes that need to be made.

My journey back to God and church had been a difficult one for me.  My life path went places no one should ever go.

I also let hurts get to me.  I know now that I have a lot of unresolved pain still from my divorce, and that needs to be dealt with. Now.

I’ve started looking into DivorceCare groups in my area.  Meanwhile I’m getting the daily devotional email from them and I’ve bought Kay Arthur’s book, Lord Heal My Hurts.  I read it a long time ago but I needed a refresher.  The DivorceCare daily emails recommends it.  I love anything that woman writes so I’ll be starting that now.

This page is getting a make-over, I may even change the name.  Not sure yet what I will do.

2012 is ahead of me, and I am very excited.  I’ve put away the seeking for a relationship, I need to heal me, focus on me, grow me.  Heck FIND me.  I need to spend time on me and my walk, life etc, not on finding someone to fill my heart.  That void is best filled leading a godly life.

So, be patient while I rearrange, clean house, and get this page the way I want it for 2012.

In Christ,

Marti